It all started thirteen years ago, in 1996. It was a tough year for us all. Snoop Dogg was acquitted for first-degree murder, Tupac faked his death, and everybody was listening to 'Head Over Feet,' by Alanis Morissette while fearing the worst that Phil Collins was starting a solo career. While somehow, we've all survived (although we're also all victims to) Phil Collins' solo career, the war we fought against in 1996 was far darker and even slightly more devastating than bald, English song-writer's solo work.
If you are having a hard time remembering a Phil Collins' song, just think of anything that makes you wholly uncomfortable from the very core of your being. For example, fingernails being raked across a chalkboard is a very popular tune, while being peed on by a 500-pound genderless stranger while in the dark in a room that is just slightly too warm is one of his more successful love ballads.
On July 2nd, 1996, a massive world-ship entered high orbit over the Earth and launched dozens of 15-mile wide destroyer-class saucers, placing themselves over select major cities. Fortunately, they didn't plan on staying there very long. We all know how humans go batcrap insane when they realize that their religions now need to accommodate for space aliens, other planets, and the fact that somehow this ships came from a place above heaven. Local Oneonta celebrity Bill Pullman, who was serving as temp President of the United States in place of Bill Clinton, helped lead the resistance with his friend Will Smith, who is known for his affiliation with extraterrestrial-immigration affairs. Data, from Next Generation, offered his 60 teraflop mind to develop a computer virus that would shut down the Destroyers' shields.
Time was running out for Earth. Will Smith and a Time Warner employee hopped aboard Mork's spacecraft, and with a proud declaration of 'Nanoo nanoo!' piloted their way into the heart of the invader's mothership, which was surprisingly guarded by a single extraterrestrial mall cop.
A single nuke was tossed into the break room of the massive continent-sized spacecraft, and the day was saved as air-warriors across the planet chanted 'Up yours!' With many of humanity's worst populated areas destroyed, such as Texas and Washington D.C., it was easy to rebuild a better world to live in. Unfortunately, I think someone rebuilt both Texas and Washington D.C., though you wouldn't be able to distinguish them from a smoldering pile of nuclear holocaust/alien attack if you were to visit them today.
As you are out celebrating your freedom from our alien benefactors, remember that the only reason you are still allowed to breed and not slave away building statues in their honor is because of the acts a few brave actors on July 4th, 1996.
Happy Independence Day! Try the melon balls.
