I was on my way to work this morning when I happened to witness a radio ad for McDonalds.  First of all, it caught me off guard because it wasn't a radio ad for a used-car lot, and for a moment I felt very disconnected from the world, since the local used car joints rambunctiously spam the airways with a vigor not seen since the very first Olympics.  To my recollection, the advertisement starred a woman who was simply tired of being oppressed by Jazz and books and big words and chamber music.  Fortunately, everyone's favorite source of cholesterol has stepped in to save the day.  That's right; McDonalds sells Lattes now.  Obviously, this is another instance of Intelligence = Anti-American = Bad.  The conclusion of the radio ad lead the woman to converting to her primal essence; a high-heel wearing housewife with zero geographical knowledge and a passion for reality television.  Palin is probably creaming her pants.

I'm not a coffee drinker myself.  I've enjoyed a good espresso in my time, but the end result leaves me excreting seven forms of hell and at least two vital organs from my bowels for the rest of the day.  It's a thing.  Anyway, coffee seems to run the nation every morning, and whether your best part of waking up is folders or you like flipping four bucks for a dixie cup at Starbucks, your coffee is important to you.  I get it, it's your fucking drink.  Let's parade over it, but later.  Business first.  Is coffee really the deciding factor of whether or not someone is intelligent or not?  Do you need a part-time Starbucks employee to make your portfolio look any better?  On the other hand, McDonalds could be pointing out a very dire truth; you latte-sipping yuppies are just a pack of posers.  You aren't fooling anyone!  Hipster-douches across the nation, I'm talking to you.  It's just a chain coffee shop.  Perhaps McDonalds is actually merely trying to get in touch with women.  Hear that ladies?  It's okay to stop pretending to be smart, you have a new place to get your latte, and that place also has McChicken. 

Perhaps I am bitter, for I cannot enjoy coffee like the rest of the business and academia world.  I can't look sophisticated in a trendy, soulless kind of way.  My iPod is only a 4th generation model, and I'd never switch to an operating system that is strictly designed for dicking around on.  I don't fit in with the Starbucks crowd.  I can't even wear a messenger bag correctly, and people just stare at my Hawaiian shirt.  McDonalds is right.  Fancy nut-drinks are as ridiculous as they sound, and using them as a vessel to show off your intellectual status isn't going to fool everyone for much longer.  Ultimately, McDonalds is weeding out the posers, and soon, the Darwinian screening process can begin.  The plan is for everyone to get Bubonic from the McGriddles.

Anyways, here's the television version of the ad.  McDonalds?  I want my fifty bucks now.  The video has been lost forever, until someone throws it on youtube.  In the meantime, here's another one of equal importance.